I don’t understand why God does what He does the way he does it. I don’t always understand what my part in his plan is. Often times I doubt that I could be of any use to his purposes but He amazes me time and time again by using me.

Sometimes, like right now, I don’t want to listen. I want to tune him out. I want to shut him up. Not this God, you can’t have this. You don’t understand. Surely you can mean it the way I’m hearing it. Surely you wouldn’t give this to me only to ask me to give it up. Where’s the meaning in that? Where’s the purpose? Why would ask me to do this? I don’t get it.

Sometimes the burden on our hearts is just too heavy for words. Sometimes the pressure of the decisions we face is so real, it hurts. And oftentimes this cant be explained, cant be expressed fully no matter how hard we try. Sometimes the only thing to do is cry out to God. I think sometimes we’re afraid to be honest in our prayers. Sometimes I just have to say ‘God, I don’t understand this. Can’t you see that this hurts me?’ I think sometimes we need to voice our doubt, voice our hurts. I don’t think that means we aren’t trusting God, just that we are being honest in telling him how we’re feeling.

Sometimes I want to ask God why. Sometimes, it seems like, if he really cared he wouldn’t be doing ….. whatever it may be. Sometimes it feels like God has let me down, and I know he hasn’t, because God knows what he is doing, God loves me, and God works for my good and His glory. I know all this. But still, sometimes, I just have to ask….why God? why? I asked you to lead me, so why do I feel lost? I asked you to strengthen my relationship with you, so why do I feel so alone? I asked you to protect my heart, so why is it hurting like this?

Why?

The comforting thing is that in these moments, when our hearts hurt so badly and we feel very much alone in the world. In these moments when our burdens and heaviness are too great for words and it seems no one else could ever understand….in these moments, we can sit and cry out to God, without words even, and be confident that not only is He hearing, but He is holding us in his arms. He is wiping the tears from our cheeks. He is crying with us. He is whispering in our ears words of encouragement and hope. He is sustaining us and telling us to go on, to keep pushing forward, to make the decisions and take the actions and just keep believing. Because it’s for our good, and even though we can’t see it right at this moment, there is a reason for it.

Tonight my heart hurts. A lot. Tonight I’m facing the fact that God wants me to let go of something very dear to me, something that is a very very good thing, but something nonetheless that He wants me to let go of. And I don’t understand. I don’t understand at all. And its hard. Very very hard. And I just don’t know how I’m going to do it. I’m not that strong. I’m not that faithful. I’m praying ‘God I want to listen but I’m afraid I’m not going to.’ ‘God take this from me, because I can’t pry my fingers from grasping it.’ ‘God steady my heart, because it hurts.’

I’m comforted in the fact that He is faithful when I am not (2 Timothy 2:13), that He has promised to see me through, that it will all be worth it in the end……

Maybe that doesn’t make any sense. Knowing what you need to do, knowing how to do it, knowing that you yourself can’t do it, asking God to help you do something you don’t want to do. Maybe that doesn’t make sense to you, but I have a feeling that it does. Because we’re all human, and we all deal with the same issues, and God challenges us all in the same ways although it may be different details. We all have things we are holding on to that God asks us to let go of. And we all must admit that we, in and of ourselves, are going to have a hard time letting go.

Pray for me. That I would be wholly devoted to the cause of Christ. That I would let go of the things that are distracting me from focusing and giving my all to Him. That I would be strengthened and able to push through the hurt of stepping away from certain things, certain people, and that I would be fully satisfied and complete in Christ. Pray that I can do this, that I won’t quit until it’s done. Search your own hearts and ask what your holding on to that you need to let go of. Dare to ask that scary question, dare to listen, dare to follow it through. Dare to obey, even when it hurts.

Thanks friends…

~ by Rebecca Wattier on February 23, 2010.